John

John, age 7
Pierre Part, Louisiana (1996)

I grew up in a small bayou town.
My mom was a single mother who loved dressing up and going out.

I almost always copied her style in the male form and I loved having grown up with confidence taught.

But that didn't last long.

In the world, and even inside our own gay community, people are picked apart.

And now I find myself grasping to find some self-confidence.

I think the most important message I want to send out is to always keep that confidence.

And I don't mean fake confidence.

Someone will love every part of you, so what I'm trying to say is:

Own all that you are!

I hate the whole masculine/feminine label, because I am personally the "/" symbol in that equation.

Remember that no matter who you are, you are a snowflake and you are unique and deserve to be a part of this world. You deserve to breathe and conquer!
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John

John, age 6
Duncan, OK (1977)

I always knew I was "different" and my family could sense it too. Especially my big sister. She was constantly making fun of me, picking on me, and occasionally beating the crap out of me! I finally decided I'd had enough - of her and everyone else - and I learned some stealth moves. Just check my photo!

After standing up for myself, my sister and I became best friends.
And to this day, we are fiercely protective of one another.

Being a confident and self-assured gay kid went a long way in keeping the
rednecks of Oklahoma off my back. And shaped me into the proud and strong gay man I am today.

I also still enjoy breaking out this special move - but in a slightly more private environment. :)

Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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John

John, age 12

Nanuet, NY (1976)

I was, by nature, a smiley, giggly, and cheerful kid. And uncoordinated, though I loved to swim, bodysurf, skateboard, and gymnastics. Only 20 years later did I realize I had "killer abs" under the baggy t-shirt 'n jeans I wore from grades 6 through 10. Before that, I refused to wear jeans. Slacks from Sears only, please!

I was a total nerd in the math league, academic league, and national honor society. And, I was on track to be the first of my immediate family to attend college. However, homophobia nearly derailed all of it.

Around this age I gave up being me, because whatever that was, it was perceived as HORRIBLE. So I learned to butch it up. With sports not an option, partying was the next best thing. And by the end of high school, this nerd-boy was close to not graduating. And I flamed out in my freshmen semester of college.

I soon accepted that having sex with guys wasn't a stop-gap measure until I got married. Which I planned to do, to a nice girl whom I would never pressure sexually. My mantra in grade 12 was "In college you can be yourself."

Except I couldn't. The names were different, but the jocks and knuckleheads from high school were now my neighbors in the dorm. And, I unraveled.

But I pulled it together and transferred to a school farther away from home, beginning to tip toe out of the closet. By the time I graduated, I was sort of out. Within 6 months, the family all knew. And while it took a lot of years, eventually everyone got there in terms of celebration. Screw tolerance or acceptance, thanks.

What I've got now that's really important, is I got ME back. With dignity, and with integrity. Everything's possible once you get 'em, and it's impossible to live without them once you've had 'em.

To my younger gay brothers and sisters, my only advice is:
Education, education, education! College or a trade/vocational school will lead to your financial independence. I killed myself in college working 3 jobs, because I believed my parents would disown me if they found out I was gay. But that work ethic has served me well throughout my life.

Today, I'm still a nerd working at a university, and I have a hot husband and a nice home. And I'm out everywhere to everyone.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Tom Selleck

Or any photo of a man with a beard, moustache, or stubble...
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John

John, age 4

Flushing Meadow Park, New York (1965)

That's me in the front with my two older brothers at the 1964-65 New York World's Fair. My father was the manager of the General Motors Futurama exhibit, and we would spend every other weekend visiting the fair.

Even barely 4-years old, I can remember being obsessed with those sunglasses.

My father told me it was bad for my eyes to wear sunglasses indoors. Otherwise, I would have worn them all the time.

I suppose this picture reminds me that I have always been a bit different.


I became aware of my attraction to boys my own age around 11, but I didn't really start coming out to friends or family until I was 20; no one was surprised.

And I was lucky, because only one friend had trouble with my coming out, and he got over it. Both my brothers, my parents, and my family were (and are) supportive of who I am. And being gay is just one of the things I am.

I'm 49 now and live in San Francisco. My life is not perfect, but I am mostly happy. And I have friends - many who are gay, and many who are not - and they all know who I am.

Of all the challenges of my life, being gay hasn't been a problem. I think if anything, being gay has turned out to be a positive thing. Growing up different means having to discover yourself in ways that 'normal' people don't.

I was born this way, and I'm happy with who I am.

And, you will find that being who you are is part of being happy.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Guy Williams (the dad on "Lost In Space")
I think I became fascinated with him watching re-runs of the show.
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John

John, age 4

Pikeville, N. Carolina (1984)

I always felt different as a kid, but never knew why. I was described as "sweet, loving, empathetic, artistic" - later realizing all those words were code for gay.
I was the middle child of five, with two older sisters and two younger sisters. My childhood was spent playing dress up and putting on impromptu fashion shows with my sisters. I always loved dolls and girly things, but knew it was wrong and was something to hide. Growing up a devout Mormon didn't help the matter.

When I was finally old enough to realize I was "a gay," I immediately turned to self loathing and entered a deep depression.

I prayed for God to change me, and tried to avoid thoughts of other guys. At 17, I realized I could not change who I am, nor could not 'pray the gay away.'

Not knowing there was a world out there that could accept me for who I was, I tried to take my own life.

I was admitted to the hospital and kept for two weeks in a mental ward. It was there that I came out to my first person. It was a therapist, who on the final day of my stay, came into my room and said she knew I was holding something back.

I burst into tears and said:
'I'm gay, and I think I'm going to hell.'

I was so hoping to hear from her what I felt in my heart, such as, "No, you are a good person, that's what counts. Your actions define who you are, not who you are attracted to." All I wanted was a little reassurance, some understanding and comfort. Instead she said, "Now is the time you should turn to God. Now is the time to pray." I smiled and nodded, but I knew she was wrong.

At that moment, I realized that any God who would condemn me for something I could not control, was no God of mine. I left the hospital renewed in my self worth. I was weeks from my 18th birthday, and finally felt like there was a chance for me to be happy. I came out to others, and each time regardless of their reaction, I came to accept myself a little more.

Today I am a 31-year old man with a bright life and a positive outlook. All my struggles have given me the character and strength to overcome obstacles that would easily derail others. I love myself and know that I am not defined by my sexual orientation. I am lucky enough to have a family who accepts me (now), and a sister who is also gay, and she's an inspiration to me.

I hope anyone reading this can realize that they are special and worthy of love, no matter who they are. Our world is changing for the better, and each new day gives me renewed hope for the future. Life is good, and it is definitely worth living, even when things seem the bleakest. So hang in there! It gets better!!!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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John

John, age 2

Hermitage, PA (1979)

At the time this photo was taken, I was pretending to be my mother. I think I did that a lot. I remember loving to watch her getting ready to go out, and wanting to be like that. I don't think I ever wanted to be a girl, but I liked the idea of carrying a purse or wearing makeup and perfume. In my room today, you'll find a large collection of man purses and a dresser covered in fragrance bottles. And I will find any excuse to put on a little mascara.

As you might imagine, growing up "different" in a small town like Hermitage was a challenge. As a little guy, I think my parents made me believe that I was different just because I was a smart kid. And nothing more than that.

Once I got a little older, I knew that was not the truth. I guess I was smart enough to figure out that I was gay.

It took me many years of pretending before I finally understood: It was not just okay to be gay, but a beautiful thing to live your life as an open, honest person.

I look at this pic now, and I just chuckle. How could my parents believe I was straight? The answer is that they believed what they wanted to, and I believed it for a while, too. But, there comes a time when you just get tired of lying to yourself and everyone else.

Eventually, you find out that there are tons of people like you out in the world, and another good handful who will love you for who you are as an individual. 

Today, I live with an amazing partner who loves me unconditionally. We just spent our 5th wedding anniversary together, and our 8th year as boyfriends.
So thank you Massachusetts, and let's go Illinois!

His wonderful family has accepted me into their lives with the warmest of hearts, in spite of what you might expect from a big Catholic clan from Indiana. I now have the greatest possible friendship with my mum. I cherish her as one of the greatest blessings in my life. And if that wasn't enough, I have a family of friends from childhood, college, and beyond who know me and love me for who I am.

No, this is not the life I imagined for myself as a two-year-old...
It is SO much better.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:
He-Man & Prince Adam
I loved both characters for different reasons: He-Man's brute physical strength (not to mention bare chest), and Prince Adam's quiet, supportive nature - and his ability to pull off wearing pink.

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John

John, age 3

Doyle, Tennesse (1949)

Here I am, Raggedy Andy doll in my arms, on my tricycle in my great-aunt Arrie's front yard. My older sister Julie and our cousin Linda Ray (Arrie's granddaughter) are protected from the hot Tennessee sun under their umbrella, as my mother hovers in the background.

Even with the doll, I don't see anything particularly gay about this picture. But it was probably about this time that my sister and cousin started dressing me up in frilly play dresses, using me as a doll for playing house.

From a very young age I was privately proud of being different from other kids, but that was primarily expressed through being the class “brain” & teacher's pet all through elementary, high school, college, and grad school.

My sister says that I always got away with doing everything I wanted. I don't remember it that way, but I know what she means. I was the best little boy in the world. Grownups loved me for it; kids, not so much.

After having 3 beautiful children and 16 years of a rather happy marriage, I finally came out at age 40. Then soon after, I got divorced.

Today, I've been with my partner Bruce for 16 wonderful, fulfilling years. Between us and their mothers, we raised 6 wonderful kids (sadly, one deceased), who are all happy, sane and fully employed.

My sister (5 years older than me) finally came around to having a gay brother, partly through the positive influence of our cousin, who lives across the river from us and is our best friend.

Last time she visited from Atlanta, my sister - with the same, impish challenging look she shows in the picture - asked me:

'Does everyone like Bruce better than they like you?'
I said, 'Yes, I guess they do!'
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John's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Pernell Roberts & Dan Blocker ("Bonanza")

Both were pretty hot

John

John, age 5
South Georgia (1966)

This is a shot of me from our very small town in south GA. I don't remember ever feeling free enough to be the me in this photo. This is me before the taunting, before the indoctrination, before the forced sports, before the shame, before the Southern and the Gothic.

He is clearly and naturally being himself. I love him and admire him, but I don't remember him.

I was "different" from the beginning of memory. As early as I can recall. I wish I could find some humor to lighten the moment, but there isn't any to spare.


The laughter was always directed at him. Until he changed; walked differently, interacted differently, sat differently and thus began the years of believing that deep down and intrinsically, something was wrong with him.

Only 12 years of uninsured therapy would begin to heal that.

I take great joy in knowing that somewhere inside me, is the boy in this photo.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mark Goddard (Major Don West on "Lost In Space")

The first man I fell in love with. He was dreamy!

John

John, age 5

Argyle, NY (1993)

This photo was taken in the living room of our house in Argyle, a small village of about 300 people.

To give you an idea of what life was like, the biggest conflict to strike the town was a debate over how many farm animals a person could have, per acre, within the village limits.

Shortly after this picture was taken we moved to a larger city. And then I moved to New York City for college, where I came out and really came into my own.

Looking back, I don't remember feeling different or special in any way. I was lucky to grow up in a family where eccentricity was encouraged, and being "normal" was boring. I was allowed to be myself without my parents judging me.

And looking at this photo, I don't see a flaming little boy ready to burst out of the closet.

I see myself, being what I continue to be to this day: unnapologetically me.

John

John, age 12
Lake Tahoe, California (1977)

Here I am modeling my mother's sunglasses. Look at the body language:
crossed legs, flipped wrists, dangling hand. How could my parents not have known?! Well, of course they knew.

As my mother said when I came out:
'You always were a strange kid, John...' Thanks, Mom!

But, as I was (and still am) a bookworm, I give a really big thanks to all of the authors I discovered at the local library, that let me know I wasn't the only kid who felt that way:

Marion Zimmer Bradley ("The Catch Trap"), George Nader ("Chrome"), and the gay Danielle Steele, Mr. Gordon Merrick ("The Quirk").

And, now that I think about it, an even bigger thanks to the librarians that stocked the shelves!

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Erik Estrada ("CHiPS")
Hubba hubba!
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John

John, age 6 months
Cleveland, Ohio (1965)

As a kid, I was always into performing. Acting, playing piano, pretending. I just remember always loving the spotlight! All through high school and college, I was very involved in theater, choir, and any other music related activities.

I think I felt different around age 12 but I didn’t know why.

All through school (Catholic school AND college), I just felt strange and didn’t know why.

It wasn’t until age 22 that I realized I was gay, and not until age 25 that I accepted it.


I LOVE this picture of me and often refer to it as my first headshot!

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

David W. Harper (Jim Bob on "The Waltons")

Jim Bob was during grade school. After that, John Erik Hexum ... sigh
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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